America, prepare to hear the infinite wisdom of the class of 2004. The following are ACTUAL QUOTES of some students that I’ve taken the time to write down in my red notebook. All names are omitted to protect the stupid.
“Who needs creative writing?”
“I’m goin’ to college because it’s what comes after high school. How’s that for a reason?”
“I’m going to be an actuary.” [What do they do?] “Something with numbers.” [So you like math?] “No, but I get paid a bunch of money.”
“Why do you want to take Ecology? It’s all about getting in touch with your feelings and crap.”
“Homosexuality is just wrong.” [Why is that?] “Because it’s just not right.” [I understand, but why isn’t it right?] “Because it isn’t!”
“Dave listens to techno!” [No I don’t.] “Yeah, whatever Techno Dave! Boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom.”
“I can’t stand these intolerant people!”
“Hard drugs are bad for you.” [Have you ever tried them?] “No.” [Then how would you know?] “(pause) Dave is on drugs!”
“Dave, you need to quit the drugs. They’re bad for you. (ten seconds later, directed to another person) So, are we getting’ wasted on Friday or what?”
Oh, the memories. It makes me proud to be a member of this fine class of 2004.