An exclusive article covering the history of hydrodunk.
Greetings and salutations! This is Dave “El Diablo del Dunko” Hauser here with an exciting new column for you prospective hydrodunkers out there filled with snakes and spiders and boy-touching Michael Jacksons! No, you prospective hydrodunkers aren’t filled with the snakes and spiders and Michael Jacksons, that was just a modifier that somehow got misplaced in the sentence. In all actuality, the exciting new column is the thing filled with snakes and spiders and Michael Jacksons, but now that I think about it, it isn’t at all. Of course, I could just simply use the backspace key to erase this whole intro and start over, but I've gone this far already, and I think it'll be better if I just keep rambling on.
Anyhow, I’m here to talk to you today about the great sport of hydrodunk and NOT thermoses. What’s hydrodunk you say? Well, I’m glad that I assume that you asked! Hydrodunk is the sport of kings founded all the way back in the ancient times of Summer 2002. A few well-rounded athletes named Gary Hatez, Jake Crabbs, and Dave Hauser were playing an equally exciting sport known as superbowling when Gary and Jake decided to take a dip in the pool. The two matched up in a heated game of one-on-one pool basketball, rivaling such great one-on-one basketball moments such as Michael Jordan vs. Larry Bird in a McDonald’s commercial and, of course, Michael Jordan vs. Bugs Bunny in Space Jam. The game dragged on for hours, and ever the fair sportsmen, the duo decided to halt their game when it became obvious that no clear winner would be decided until a goat was sacrificed to the God of Sport, Apollo, and neither could find a goat at the time. The two were joined by Dave Hauser (that’s me), the final ingredient of a recipe for a revolution in sporting history.
The three began to violently hurl the basketball through the stationary basketball hoop, an action commonly known as slam-dunking. Soon, the sportsmen entered into a game of one-upmanship, each coming up with innovative slam-dunks to best the other two. In the midst of the action, one competitor removed himself from the water to jump off the edge of the pool, perform a slam-dunk, and land safely in the pool. The competition grew fierce, and each sportsman did his slam-dunk variations of the said dunk, now commonly referred to as the Puritan dunk. But it was a one Dave Hauser (me) who bested them all.
Dave lunged like a sexy kangaroo off the side of the pool, performed a front flip, dunked the ball, and landed safely in the water. The dunk sent shockwaves through the entire country. Anyone who didn’t see the dunk could sense its sheer awesomeness from miles round simply through intuition. Then, Dave’s mother yelled at Dave for doing a flip off the side of the pool and commanded that the three strapping young sportsmen find a better way to do their slam-dunking.
Soon after, the men found out that the stationary basketball hoop could be planted on a raft and floated in the water. This led to experimentation, and after a few painful, digit-removing failures, the three mastered the art of jumping off the diving board, performing a basketball trick in mid-air, then finishing with the slam-dunk. Thus, the great sport of hydrodunk was born.
Over the years, this aquatic sport has been refined countless times. Many new styles, or schools, have been invented, and the game still exists solely as a game of one-upmanship as it always will. The old faces still reside in the hydrodunker ranks – Dave Hauser with his old school style, Jake Crabbs with his old school/new school fusion style, Gary Hatez with his satirical style – and a few new faces have joined as well – Andrew Hauser with his new school style and Artie Rathell with his undescrible style. But overall, hydrodunk has grown tremendously over the years and will continue to be a dominant sport for ages to come.*
*pending the sale of hydrodunk merchandise