Another article by my rambling subconscious.
So here I sit, in my home on a Wednesday afternoon. I'm staying home from school today because of a massive headache that I had last night and carried over into today. It's probably due to staring at computer screens all day yesterday, but it could also be because of stress. All the teachers are piling on assignments to make up for lost time, trying to finish their curriculum. Some of them don't even realize that a day the entire class just talks and explores a subject can be far more useful than taking notes off the overhead. Anyway, students like me end up with five essays to write in the next five days, which is what I should be doing right now.
"Five Things I Have Learned About Myself through Social Psychology" is an assignment name. I'd like to actually write a well-structured paper and put a lot of thought and meaning into it, but it'll only get me a C. Instead, I have to write out utter nonsense, making sure that I put in the keywords of what she taught us like "Freud" and "behavior." That's all teachers ever look for, the keywords of what they taught us over what we actually write.
Well, most teachers that is. Some English teachers I've had were different. Especially one I had in eleventh grade, so I picked him to host my independent study in creative writing. I've written some decent stuff, but now he's given me the hardest assignment of them all, a five page paper on "Where I'm At In Life."
To me, this paper is mind-boggling. I barely have any idea of what to write or how to start. My best thought was to just simply open up notepad and, for hours, type the first things that come to my head. Then I'd print it out and try to make sense of it. Yeah, I think I'll do that.
I'll have trouble making sense of it though. Just like my life right now, trouble making sense of anything. It's ironic really. I came into high school with no questions. I didn't think much about anything back then. Then, around eleventh grade, I started to wonder about stupid, insignificant things like a day in the life of a fly or how to pack a parachute correctly. I'd wrap my mind around these things for days. Then, this year, I started thinking about the big questions, religion, philosophy, morality, etc. The more I think about them though, the more questions come up, and the more confused I get. And, right now, I'm a mess of confusion to the point where I've entertained the morality of killing flies to killing people. It's just madness.
As I typed this article, my keyboard kept going in and out, missing letters as I typed. I always spotted the missed letter and went back to correct it, but some times, even backspacing to correct it didn't work out right, and I ended up with gibberish for sentences. That summarizes my position right now. I keep looking at the big questions and throwing around ideas but end up with a indecypherable mess at the end. Now, my only choice is whether I want to go back and try to work it out, or just leave it as it is.