“Sure, he may have been a suspected terrorist, but he had one hell of an arm.”
At a press conference Wednesday, a Pentagon spokesman stated that a suspected terrorist has been secretly held in captivity since October by the decree of CIA Director George Tenet.
Wednesday night, while most of the press goons were at their computers typing up America’s latest kick in the balls, the real story broke. In his own press conference, attended only by me, Tenet explained the situation.
According to Tenet, the prisoner was detained for an upcoming football match between the pentagon and the CIA. The CIA had secretly planned to use the Iraqi as their quarterback and “imprisoned” him for the time being. Tenet stated, “Sure, [the prisoner] may have been a suspected terrorist, but he had one hell of an arm.”
However, thing’s didn’t go as planned for the CIA Cougars. Previously on Wednesday, the Pentagon decided to spill the beans about the Iraqi quarterback. In Tenet’s eyes, the Pentagon ratted out the CIA to better their chances for the football match, now only a week away; “Those panther bastards! They probably knew about [the prisoner] all along and deliberately waited until the match was a week away to tell the public. Now we’ll have the press crying for days and we don’t have a quarterback for the big game!”
I asked about how he will handle the upcoming fiasco, and Tenet replied, “I was thinking of making Payton Manning an honorary CIA agent, but I’m not sure how well that’ll work out.” When I told him I was talking about the media’s upcoming accusations of breaking international law, he shook his head and laughed, saying, “Oh man, you’re a funny guy.”
***If you can’t tell by now, this article is a blatant work of satire. It is true in no way to my knowledge, and therefore should not be read.