For those who stumble upon this site: I've moved. I'm just a stone's throw away though. Link It's more stories and poems than blog entries. I advise you check it out even if you're not familiar with my stuff. Maybe you'll like it and want to give me lots of money. That'd be nice.

At a press conference Wednesday, a Pentagon spokesman stated that a suspected terrorist has been secretly held in captivity since October by the decree of CIA Director George Tenet. Wednesday night, while most of the press goons were at their computers typing up America’s latest kick in the balls, the real story broke. In his own press conference, attended only by me, Tenet explained the situation. According to Tenet, the prisoner was detained for an upcoming football match between the ...

America, prepare to hear the infinite wisdom of the class of 2004. The following are ACTUAL QUOTES of some students that I’ve taken the time to write down in my red notebook. All names are omitted to protect the stupid. “Who needs creative writing?” “I’m goin’ to college because it’s what comes after high school. How’s that for a reason?” “I’m going to be an actuary.” [What do they do?] “Something with numbers.” [So you like math?] “No, but I get paid a bunch of money.” “Why ...

America, prepare to hear the infinite wisdom of the class of 2004. The following are ACTUAL QUOTES of some students that I’ve taken the time to write down in my red notebook. All names are omitted to protect the stupid. “Who needs creative writing?” “I’m goin’ to college because it’s what comes after high school. How’s that for a reason?” “I’m going to be an actuary.” [What do they do?] “Something with numbers.” [So you like math?] “No, but I get paid a bunch of money.” “Why ...

I’m not a big fan of organized religion. I never have been, and because of some bad experiences, I probably never will be. Nonetheless, organized religion has never really bothered me. My philosophy on life has always been “if people want to partake in something, let them as long as it doesn’t infringe upon my desires,” and religion has never gotten in my philosophy’s way. Until now, that is. Now, religion has taken control of my family and home, and quite frankly, it’s starting to piss ...

This morning, I woke up with both eyes swollen shut, vicious sunburn, and temporary schizophrenia that left me wondering, "Why is the sun out in the middle of the night?" Yeah, it was that kind of weekend. Here, see the pictures. Sunday around three o'clock PM: The sun beams down on brackenfish's backyard as he deeply sleeps face-up on a poolchair, his eyelids slightly puffed over his eyes. Thin clouds speckle the aqua sky. Hemlock branches sway with the wind. brackenfish's shirtless ...

So here I sit, in my home on a Wednesday afternoon. I'm staying home from school today because of a massive headache that I had last night and carried over into today. It's probably due to staring at computer screens all day yesterday, but it could also be because of stress. All the teachers are piling on assignments to make up for lost time, trying to finish their curriculum. Some of them don't even realize that a day the entire class just talks and explores a subject can be far more use...

I may have mentioned this a few times before, but I’ll say it again anyway. I work at a movie rental store. Now, I know this position doesn’t entitle me as an expert in film criticism, but it damn well should. I’ve seen hundreds upon hundreds of movies, people! I’m around movies all the time! I even steal some of the movie signs we have hanging around out store just to throw it in my closet when I get home! So, believe me when I say that the new movie Troy will probably suck. Now bef...

I have come unto a crossroads in my life. Being a senior in high school, many hard decisions rack my brain throughout the day. What should I do after high school? College? Work? Mooch off parents? These questions come and go, but one question faces me all the time, and I can’t seem to answer it. That question, of course, is “Should I become a Democrat or Republican?” Everything I see nowadays reflects on that question, but today I saw something that showed me the truth of it all. I...

Greetings and salutations! This is Dave “El Diablo del Dunko” Hauser here with an exciting new column for you prospective hydrodunkers out there filled with snakes and spiders and boy-touching Michael Jacksons! No, you prospective hydrodunkers aren’t filled with the snakes and spiders and Michael Jacksons, that was just a modifier that somehow got misplaced in the sentence. In all actuality, the exciting new column is the thing filled with snakes and spiders and Michael Jacksons, but now th...

I’ve been watching many movies lately. Well, not that I didn’t watch movies before. You see, I work at a video rental business. As part of my extensive employee benefits package that includes such fantastic things as getting paid minimum wage and receiving a thrilling congratulations letter marking the end of my first year there (no bonus, no party, just a letter), I also have access to free rentals. Recently, I’ve found myself watching many a movie involving samurais and ninjas and th...

I’ve been watching many movies lately. Well, not that I didn’t watch movies before. You see, I work at a video rental business. As part of my extensive employee benefits package that includes such fantastic things as getting paid minimum wage and receiving a thrilling congratulations letter marking the end of my first year there (no bonus, no party, just a letter), I also have access to free rentals. Recently, I’ve found myself watching many a movie involving samurais and ninjas and th...